Sunday, April 21, 2013

Life on the Other Side: Cleaning My Closets

The housing market has finally turned around and I am trying to sell my house. I was awarded the house in the divorce settlement and it's far too big and expensive. My weekends are spent with upkeep; the responsibility is overwhelming. It has been a huge burden with no help.
Along with the upkeep of having the house "showing ready" I'm packing up my attic. It has been physically and emotionally exhausting.

I saved the dresses my girls were photographed in, I saved every worksheet, report card, ballet shoe, dance outfit, every pointe shoe, piano book, favorite baby clothes, pictures, albums, baby books, toys, dolls, room decorations...and now what do I do with all this?

I'm taking it one box at a time...

I sold the Barbies and the doll house toys, some clothes and some room decorations. Things that weren't as sentimental as others. I've sold the living room furniture and other smaller furniture. I'm still paying attorney fees so I'm selling everything I can.

Today I began the photo albums and miscellaneous awards and papers. I found dozens of cards and notes to me, their mother, the mother they hate now. I found notes from Peter thanking me for bringing the girls into the world and taking such good care of them (while I was a "team player" allowing myself to be controlled, I was a "good mother."). I should have gone through this prior to the divorce trial when I was accused of the exact opposite.

But here I am reading and remembering my life with my girls. It was hard, but I loved being with them. They brought me tremendous joy and love.

Here are a few of my favorites:

Dear Ma, I love you, ur the greatest ma alive. You are always supportive of me. Thanks for offering kind and gentle words to me. You are wonderful...

You have been a great mother! You still are a great mother! You are such an amazing mom. You even cared about me during your doctorite (and that's hard, because a doctorite is hard). You know what you are? Your warm, you are fun, your my whole sunshine. I love you! XXxOoOXOxoXx (ask for explanation).

A card "The beautiful center of our family."
Dear Mom, Like the card said, you are the center of our family. Happy Birthday P.S. I hope you like your present.

Dear Mom you are a genius at work but a lover at home. Happy Birthday
And that's what your famous for!

I love you, You are my very best Mom. You are my friend. You are we, I love you better than anything! I love you with my heart.

Dear Mom,

Because you were here you've been a role model. Also you've helped me be more confident about myself. You do just the right things a mom should do. You do not embrass me because I'm not afriad to say "that's my mom over there!" Also you let me express myself through ballet and art. It always makes me feel good when you say I did awesome on my dance. Yours truly...

Dear Mommy, I love you very very very much! I missed you so much. I hated being away from you. I never ever want you to leave.

And now we are apart and I hope they're ok. It would be hard to live without a mother. I hope....they  see me in their past...sometimes. Mine is FILLED with them.

I miss my girls so much.


3 comments:

  1. I wish I could offer you some words of comfort or hope. I've read your blog back to front and I can see that you're a pretty amazing lady. You just keep moving forward. :)

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  2. This tugged at my heartstrings. The trip you took down memory lane paints a picture of a happy family with no trace of the torment that you went through. I don't think I can offer you any words to take away the pain you're feeling, but like Dawn said, I do hope you keep moving forward. Maybe in time, your daughters can begin to understand what happened and you can all continue healing.

    -Harriett

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  3. Thank you so much for these kind words....
    I'm boxing everthing sentimental and putting it into storage with the thinking if they ever want their things, it might help them remember some good things. That some kind of relationship with me now might be worthwhile.

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