Life on the Other Side: Cleaning My Closets

The housing market has finally turned around and I am trying to sell my house. I was awarded the house in the divorce settlement and it's far too big and expensive. My weekends are spent with upkeep; the responsibility is overwhelming. It has been a huge burden with no help.
Along with the upkeep of having the house "showing ready" I'm packing up my attic. It has been physically and emotionally exhausting.

I saved the dresses my girls were photographed in, I saved every worksheet, report card, ballet shoe, dance outfit, every pointe shoe, piano book, favorite baby clothes, pictures, albums, baby books, toys, dolls, room decorations...and now what do I do with all this?

I'm taking it one box at a time...

I sold the Barbies and the doll house toys, some clothes and some room decorations. Things that weren't as sentimental as others. I've sold the living room furniture and other smaller furniture. I'm still paying attorney fees so I'm selling everything I can.

Today I began the photo albums and miscellaneous awards and papers. I found dozens of cards and notes to me, their mother, the mother they hate now. I found notes from Peter thanking me for bringing the girls into the world and taking such good care of them (while I was a "team player" allowing myself to be controlled, I was a "good mother."). I should have gone through this prior to the divorce trial when I was accused of the exact opposite.

But here I am reading and remembering my life with my girls. It was hard, but I loved being with them. They brought me tremendous joy and love.

Here are a few of my favorites:

Dear Ma, I love you, ur the greatest ma alive. You are always supportive of me. Thanks for offering kind and gentle words to me. You are wonderful...

You have been a great mother! You still are a great mother! You are such an amazing mom. You even cared about me during your doctorite (and that's hard, because a doctorite is hard). You know what you are? Your warm, you are fun, your my whole sunshine. I love you! XXxOoOXOxoXx (ask for explanation).

A card "The beautiful center of our family."
Dear Mom, Like the card said, you are the center of our family. Happy Birthday P.S. I hope you like your present.

Dear Mom you are a genius at work but a lover at home. Happy Birthday
And that's what your famous for!

I love you, You are my very best Mom. You are my friend. You are we, I love you better than anything! I love you with my heart.

Dear Mom,

Because you were here you've been a role model. Also you've helped me be more confident about myself. You do just the right things a mom should do. You do not embrass me because I'm not afriad to say "that's my mom over there!" Also you let me express myself through ballet and art. It always makes me feel good when you say I did awesome on my dance. Yours truly...

Dear Mommy, I love you very very very much! I missed you so much. I hated being away from you. I never ever want you to leave.

And now we are apart and I hope they're ok. It would be hard to live without a mother. I hope....they  see me in their past...sometimes. Mine is FILLED with them.

I miss my girls so much.

The Religious Sociopath

Peter is fanatically religious. Members of the Walton family rarely write or speak without incorporating scripture. They use scripture as a way of judging others using knowledge they believe to have been bestowed especially to them. They then wield this extraordinary power in supporting whatever decisions they make and whomever they decide to ban together to destroy. Even when the Walton men find themselves answering for various indiscretions, there is no hesitation to destroy the victim, without remorse. They place themselves so centered in religious communities and institutions that their passionate words are more easily believed. Christians are the least likely to believe (generally believing the best in others) that they could be so dishonest and manipulative, unless they maybe had first or second hand experiences with the coldhearted.

Peter is convincing Warren to become a priest.  If Warren were a priest, the Waltons would proudly bring him into their religious circle without worry that Warren might have a life outside of the family and in doing so see more clearly the cult-like Walton way. He would personify this extraordinary religious gift the Walton’s have spent decades to cultivate. This is not about Warren, this is about the family and what would best promote the family agenda.

Every Sunday when Peter Skype’s with Warren he asks if Warren has attended Mass. If we haven’t, he sighs a judgmental and shaming sigh. It is meant for me; Peter likes to send me messages through Skype….He then “blesses” Warren at the end of Skype sessions. Meanwhile, I still receive hostile and condescending emails. Three emails ago Peter, shaming me about child support, said, “the money I [Samantha] was able to procure from the judge.”  So while Peter looks toward the future and what Warren can do for him, playing pretend daddy when Warren needs more obvious daily support, Warren and I live day after day together creating a life with less guilt and shame and more love and freedom.

Religious talk unsettles me still; it takes me back to Peter and his family and all of the guilt, shame, judgments, and hate. I know they’ve come up with some mantra for my daughters as to how to circumvent the honoring your mother commandment…something probably like “they are honoring their mother by….tough love…” something that will justify their dishonor and hatred. I’ve heard the mantras for other Walton victims and they literally repeat the story and mantra so much, and with so much consistency between family members, it does become believable.  And thinking about the circular energy I experienced, even Peter’s very redundant, circular emails….I think the Waltons are orbiting, year after year,  a very earthly god… and that’s the Waltons. 

Life on the Other Side: The Creepers

Jason was also married to a sociopath. She has used his children against him without regard for their mental, physical or emotional well-being. She had nothing other than contempt for him while married and to this day lives to control and destroy him. She also lies as if it’s breathing. I could devote an entire book describing her and what she’s done. Jason helped me write “You Might Be Married to a Sociopath If....” because our sociopaths said and did so many things exactly alike, as if they were referencing the same play book. It’s both good and bad that we were both married to nearly the same individual. It’s good because we, without hesitation, believe one another and take any communication from the other party very seriously. He helps me respond with my situation and I his. It’s bad because it’s double the stress for both of us. And we are rarely free from attacks from one of them.

Over Christmas, while I was with Jason (we live very far apart with him being in the military), he received an email from his x wife. It was really a five page rant/rage against me. The difference between her and Peter is where he can restrain himself sometimes she seems to have very little self-control sending at least a hundred  pages of emails trying to coerce him into more communication with her. She shows a great deal of emotion and instability in her emails and is either drunk when she writes them or her psyche is diminishing. She is not very bright, though very resolute in her schemes to destroy Jason for leaving her, where Peter is a dangerously intelligent manipulator. For example, she is very direct in her parent alienation and deteriorating respect for Jason with his children, where Peter’s is more insidious and undetectable. Both end with the same results. Honestly, together they could wreak some havoc in our lives and have.

Jason and I share all communications we have with these two miserable individuals (I use miserable because they both wallow in their victimization and negativity and will tell anyone who will listen). Around November there was a statement in an email from Jason’s X that made us both think our Xs were talking, but didn’t know for sure. The Christmas break email rant included, for instance, the social services case that Peter had initiated before moving out of the country. Peter would not have known the case was closed as unsubstantiated; only the person accused is notified of the findings. So her misinformation about an ongoing case would have come from Peter. Those records are confidential, I know because part of my work involves working with that particular department. She either received that information directly from Peter or Peter could have easily “convinced” my oldest daughter to communicate with her by inciting her anger toward me making Jason the reason for the broken marriage. Regardless they are sharing information. The same things I fought in my own case are now appearing in Jason’s case. They are most definitely communicating in some way.

Neither has moved on and continue to be obsessed with relationships long gone. So when we are not stressed about continued attorney fees and anticipated histrionics from both, we have actually laughed about the two of them together.

They both, very proudly, continue to make statements in emails with information only the other would know. It is of course meant to unsettle Jason and me and, again, without regard for how that appears to the normal person…..CREEPY!!

Life on the Other Side: Continued Financial Abuse and Chaos

I was actually thinking today I just might have it made. For years I tried to get Peter to pay just his school loans and nothing else. To work at a coffee shop and earn just $600 per month to pay that one bill. He had to take on that debt in our settlement and now he owes me $900 per month in child support. So I was thinking, wow, not only is he required to pay his own bills, but I'm getting help taking care of Warren, for a change, and I have him most days of the year! Even the poorest of dads pay child support and the courts and society don't look kindly on the "dead beat dads." Eventually he'll have to pay me the over six thousand he owes in back payment and then the continued$ 900 per month!

Ha! With a Sociopath there is never reprieve. Ever. I have received $500.00 from Peter in the almost year I've had Warren. Today I received notice from the bank that there were insufficient funds in his account and I was charged for the transaction. Of course he can't pay me. He will make demands and belittle my parenting from another country and not look out for Warren's best interest though he declares that's his only concern.

I recently had a water heater break and there was a substantial amount of water damage in my house. I had used that money to help offset those costs. Now I will be very tight until the end of the month. How dare I count on a check from Peter. It still hasn't taken root that Peter does not care for anyone but Peter. Warren is only a pawn and Peter breaks the law without regard for Warren. He has no normal fear of consequences. He thinks he will swoop in and take Warren from me when he sees fit. He can't take care of him now. Peter has not had sole responsibility for a child ever; he couldn't handle the daily care of a nine year old child. I will continue to gladly take full responsibility for my child and won’t expect anything from Peter. I cannot wait until the day I don’t have to hear or read anything from Peter ever again.  

 

From the Beginning: I don't think I can....

I was a stay at home mother who had just given up my dream job I had worked a decade to obtain. I realize now that of course Peter would not have tolerated me continuing in this line of work; positive messages would have persisted and promotions alone a boost in self-esteem. I was also finding my individuality away from Peter, identifying talents and developing a promising career. Most importantly self-efficacy was taking root. Killing this is fundamental in a controlling relationship.

In 1977 Albert Bandera published a seminal paper defining self-efficacy as a person’s belief that they can succeed in situations. Weak self-efficacy means a person would avoid challenges; believe difficult actions to be beyond their individual capabilities, a focus on failings and negative outcomes and diminishing confidence of personal abilities. An abuser does not want their victim thinking they have any options but to stay and tolerate however they chose to live. The victim begins to circle around the abuser losing mindfulness of self and purpose thinking everything is beyond their control. The sociopath feeds on this weakness gaining power and control.

To put my transition to being house bound in further perspective I’ll go back to college. During my two years of freedom my freshman and sophomore years in college, I had three suite mates, two of which are still very dear friends. We often talked about the future and came to conclusions of how we all would end up. I was so ambitious and career oriented we all joked that I would likely not have children if I even got married. In high school I was voted most likely to succeed. I am one of those females that thrive when being productive in and out of the house. I have a strong personality and since freeing myself of Peter have been called often an Alpha Chick.  But just a few years out of college I was weak and helpless.

Peter decided he would work part time and attend Seminary part time. He decided to change his degree from Theology to Counseling. He believed me to be so unstable he needed to help me by getting a counseling degree instead. He also thought there was a lot of redundancy between the Theology degree and the Master’s degree he had just earned in American History. He worked at a religious home for children and youth that had to be removed from their homes for various behavioral problems. He worked evenings and most weekends so he could study and take classes during the week. He needed a lot of time and quiet, when he wasn’t working, to take a course, even needing to stay in a hotel during stressful times in the semester. Peter had done a wonderful job of making everything about him again.

Evenings and weekends are family times and the city we lived in had nowhere to engage in social activities. No McDonalds, no library, no central place to meet people. Additionally, I had given up full-time pay and with Peter making minimum wage and Seminary being very expensive we had very little to live on. This is a recipe for nearly complete isolation and disaster.

I remember needing milk for the girls (1 and 4) and having no car, no family nearby and no friends, I decided to put the girls in their wagon and walked to the store. It was at least in the upper 80s, it was a hilly route and it was about 4 miles one way. Peter was working a double shift and would not be home until the next day. I made this trek often in winter and summer. I was alone nearly all day every day with sometimes no money for food. I got us food stamps again and Women, Infant and Children (WIC) help. I also began to “wheel” the girls to the local food bank, also across town. I loved my daughters more than anything and was doing my best for them.

There was no intimacy between Peter and I; we weren’t really connected in any way other than our existence, financial desperation and children. I thought often about leaving Peter, even then. As with “The Little Blue Engine” thinking just ain’t enough. If you find yourself a prisoner in your own home and are thinking…….. The grass is much greener over here.

A Heartfelt Thank you!

Thank you, this  made my day!

http://psychopathfree.com/showthread.php?2002-Isolation-and-Crazymaking

I think this might be a great resource for those of you surviving a Sociopath.

Anonymous Responses: Part III

G:  I read your blog last night. it is amazing, I have a neighbor is is going through much of the same. She has 2 young kids. What resources do you recommend?

H:  Your blog has captured my attention for sure.  I can relate to much of what you have experienced and find myself dealing with many of the same types of challenges.  Thanks for sharing your stories.  Sociopaths are very intelligent and manipulative, and certainly use any bit of information against their victims.  I learned that the hard way.  It's very easy to lose yourself in the midst of a sociopath.  In everything you read about a sociopath, I find it curious that your story is the first I can compare to where children were used to take sides with the sociopath.  That is something that should be documented as a typical behavior from a sociopath.  I have believed it is because that is truly their level of emotional maturity and they can easily manipulate children. I will keep reading.  I feel like for the first time, I am not alone.  Thank You!

I:  I have been married to my husband for twenty yrs. He is mean to our children and spends no time with our two boys. I went to see a psychologist and she told me after. Brief conversation about him what his problem was. I have heard of the word but never knew the definition

[ I find this interesting because Peter did not want a son, he wanted another daughter. I believe this is because of the “father/daughter relationship” and it being easier to manipulate daughters. It is known to any of us who are on the other side of our teenage years that there is a period of time where the relationship between a teenage girl and mother is strained and difficult. And to be with a man who was triangulating and putting me in the child role made my relationships nearly impossible. Peter took normal mother/teenage daughter issues and created an impossible wall to surmount.]

J:  The hard part is confronting him. I have tried many times to tell him I was unhappy but he always managed to talk me into staying and that he would change. Only to go right back to the way he was.

[I find myself talking to woman and men in various, and sometimes surprising settings, about sociopaths. At an airport recently a woman told me about a story of her husband of over 20 years. She had four children, he wanted five; she didn’t want the fifth and was asking for a divorce. For a month he treated her as he always should, connecting, being loving, treating her as precious, romantic and kind. She softened. After about a month, he turned to her one night and said, “That is done, I just wanted you to know I could do it, but choose not to because you don’t deserve to be treated that way.” She holds three jobs and cares for the children when she gets home. She’s exhausted and doesn’t know what to do; she is afraid of a nasty divorce and losing her children. He threatens to present as the perfect and attentive stay at home dad. Oh, I forgot to mention, he chooses to not work one hour outside of the home. So he is threatening that he would take the children, stating that he would be the best to care for the children since that’s what he’s already doing….the same story over and over.....]

K:  im reading your blog and thinking WOW..pretty much same situation for me. but only mental and verbal abuse for me.. thats enough! it is so frustrating dealing with this. and nobody believes me. my husband, loved by all, im the crazy one…..AND he is making me out like the one with the problems.  I do admit that i started this process after i realized  that i dont have to take this anymore. i was so beat down and i though i was a worthless person (lots and lots of examples of things he has said to me) and …i did contact my first love. so that makes me look like i am the horrible person….this is awful. and im scared too.

[What is a person supposed to do when they go years without even the lowest level of human decency much less getting any sort of emotional need met? You are not a horrible person. We, as humans, need to connect to each other and when you’re living with a hollow shell of course you were vulnerable and of course you would look for someone with whom you had connected with. Unfortunately, they wait for us to “fail” and then take full advantage. I will share some emotional connections, mistaking a need for validation with receiving attention (in my blog), that were also used against me. You are not alone.]

L:  I feel like crying as I read some of these. It's as if you've been living my life, and you have the words to explain it as I can't. His tone, his condescension, the false accusations, the embellishment, the false concern..... And I've been trying to get the divorce since…

M:  The strange thing about sociopathy are the subtleties and physiology that are not aggressive enough to actually have these diseased people committed…this extreme mental chasm cannot be rectified with any amount of therapy . It's a part of the human condition and will be with us forever ….I suppose we should pray for these people , as they are 3 percent of the worlds population. I am deeply scarred forever by what she did, as she committed an act of mental suicide to me and my loving parents….but she will never know she is , because she is , and always will be , a devout sociopath.