Tuesday, March 3, 2015

I Did the Unthinkable!

This is a real picture of me taken in May 2010. Peter finally left the house at the end of August. During those months, I slept in closets and in a downstairs office; I was truly scared of him; he was escalating with my increasing self-esteem. I have bruises in my ear, on my lip all over my arms. I had the sense to take pictures a couple of days later knowing I would be divorcing and remembering all of his threats. I am thankful he did this so I could be validated for my real pain; physical abuse is really the only abuse society recognizes. The outward anger is about the only thing that gets the perpetrator identified, not the subtle, controlled, most wounding manipulations.

Following the divorce trial Peter, then representing himself, started to use free state systems to continue to abuse and harass me. I was on a work trip in Orlando Florida when I received the call alleging I was physically abusing Warren (I have told this story in a previous post). My line was crossed...just like that....for my and Warren's sake I needed this to stop. What did I need to do to stop being victimized? Could I do anything? Could I stop fearing Peter and the Waltons? I realized it was my own thoughts and fears that were giving Peter and the Waltons power over me. It was me. How could I overcome my fears and take back my power? I could do the exact opposite of what I had been abusively conditioned to do and think. 

I "friended" anyone I could think of that had been or was currently in both the Walton and my social circles. I friended hundreds of people from John Walton's past congregations, Elaine's former co-workers, friends of Peter, Jack, Mary Ellen and Ben. I was going to use social networking to expose them. I was going to be the opposite of a victim: It  was going to take a great deal of strength, I would be criticized so I needed thicker skin, I was going to take back my power, stop being afraid and make my story public. Perpetrators thrive on their victims' secrecy and embarrassment so their explanations and stories are the only heard. I posted the above picture on Facebook with a comment something like "I plan to spend the rest of my life fighting domestic violence," and thinly veiled the fact it was Peter. 

Sure, I was criticized and critiqued by some, but the support was unfathomable.  Friends reported that some of the Walton's were posting scripture versus that could've been interpreted that they were the victims of my vicious attacks. If they would've simply left me alone and not try and take everything they could from me, I never would've said anything, I would've just moved on and not looked back. 

The next day I took it down, I was still scared. Then I posted it again and left it. The fear and anxiety lessened and when Peter tried to hurt me, whether it be emails or false allegations, I would post that picture again. I don't think it occurred to any Walton that I would say anything..... much less do the unthinkable.

Thursday, February 12, 2015

No More Distractions!

I am literally about 20 pages from finishing book #1! The drama with Jo and Peter is so bizzare I have to stop and blog. I am determined to finish ASAP. I hope Jo comes through with her threats to "sue me twice." Then I can use her real full name. 
I really could not make this stuff up, I am not creative. Jo and Peter have ironically written these for me.
I remember when we first told Peter's family we were divorcing and he stated that we would not disclose any information about the 20 years, good or bad. We were simply done and family simply needed to accept that without knowing the dirt. He decided differently with the first motion and here we are. Everyone possible will know about living with a sociopath and the conspiracy with Peter's like minded counterpart: Jo. I hold nothing back in the books. Jo, I hope you are ready for the public to know what it was like to live with you and the lengths Jason took to avoid you from about 4weeks into your marriage. Peter , I have you to thank for pushing me to write about us....or really the lack thereof.

The Borderline Dichotomy....They're Back......The Creepers

I guess neither Peter or Jo appreciated my last post. The good ole "I hate you, please don't leave me," borderline dichotomy. Or I can't stop obsessively thinking about you; I will TRY to keep a strangulating hold on you and IMAGINE I can still inflict damage.  I suppose they keep in contact with each other because, by obsessively thinking and talking about us, it's a way to keep Jason and me in their present lives. 

When Jason was treated at the Walter Reed National Military Medical Center for a month to be evaluated before retiring we went to marriage counseling as part of the program. After one session talking about the chaos surrounding an upcoming summer visit with Jason's sons, the counselor stopped us and said, "Jason you fu*#ed up so badly by marrying your ex that all ties need to be cut with your sons so you can be relieved of any communication from Jo. It  is critical for your health and not safe for Samantha and Warren. They are your family and you need to do what's best for them. Your sons are so badly damaged by their mother you cannot let that level of hate and violence in your home." All staff we/he met with agreed and encouraged him to do exactly that. Jason did not listen and that became a wedge between us until they left. In his defense, and something I love about him, he has been trained to not give up, on anything. He has an amazingly high threshold, which is why he tolerated Jo for so long, as she threatened often, in borderline fashion, that if he left her she would take his sons from him....which has come to fruition.

Three days before the boys were supposed to be picked up for visitation, Thomas made a false sexual abuse allegation against me. The event had apparently happened three days after we were married (with Jason's mother in the next room with both doors open). Now remember, Jo was telling them all along that if I were out of the picture they could be a family again. I was the only reason the family was broken. Jo called Jason attempting to promote this false allegation and stating that they needed to work together (as Peter was doing despite hurting Warren as well). When Jason picked up the boys she started to walk toward him likely to try again. It made him sick to peripherally see her.

She actually thought that Jason would believe this; no one believed Thomas. This was the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I cannot express the feelings of being accused of such a disgusting act. When the detective called Jason he had to pull the car over he was so upset; his threshold was crossed. That accusation changed Thomas and Jason's relationship forever. The social worker stated that particular allegation was the worst and very rare. She said it would be nearly impossible for Thomas, Jason and me to have any sort of relationship and felt very badly for us.

[When I was interrogated one day before celebrating Jason's 20 years of service, I told the detective that I believed both boys were being sexually abused, and had thought that the first time I saw them sleep together, but not in my home. That would be an important statement when the detective returned to our home about a real sexual abuse charge]. 

I couldn't look at Thomas; I was never alone with him. HE SHOULD NEVER HAVE COME INTO OUR HOME AGAIN and both Jason and I regret that he did. In the end Thomas said it was a dream and apologized over and over; stating that he did it because I had put him in jail. I had my best friend stay with us those first couple of nights to be a witness for me. When we walked into the living room, where Thomas and Jay were sleeping, they were clutching each other as if a married couple. We looked at each other in astonishment and both thought it was very odd behavior. Jo had insisted they sleep together at our house, which is also extremely odd being 15 and 12. Throughout the visitation they would end up together sleeping in this manner often. Both boys are highly sexualized, the younger talking about homosexual rape and homosexual acts constantly and threatening to rape Warren with a knife. With his penis out and erect, Jay would threaten to rape Warren. They also don't have boundaries surrounding any type of affection or have social cues regarding body language/space. This is the family Peter has decided to support and sides with Jo, Thomas and Jay instead of Warren (this meets one criteria for Termination of Parental Rights: failure to protect a child). After Warren was forensically interviewed the detectives called me into a room, by myself. They confronted me about Jason's future visitation and all agreed that he should cut ties with both and if not I should think about leaving him. They see a lot of step issues but it's mostly sexual exploration. They said that they had not seen this level of violence before and Jay was grooming Warren to act out his threats, shortly. It was good that I had left when I felt something wasn't right. No children in our neighborhood were allowed to play with Thomas (because of the accusation, one child was allowed because the parents didn't know) and Jay because he threatened to rape other children as well. Without hesitation, Jason regrets having that last visitation, but who knows how to deal with this level of deviance. 

Jay made several sexual allegations against me as well (i.e. I forced them to watch porn and then talked about it with them after). They had looked detectives and social workers in the eye and coldly, without conscious, lied (hhhhmmmmmm). They repeatedly told Jason me and mostly Warren that Thomas had never choked him and Thomas painted himself as the victim. They are really capable of anything at this point and Thomas soon to turn 16. Those two boys are more of a threat to Warren and me than Peter. I went through more darkness because of Jo and the two boys than I ever have in my life, and that's saying something. Put two and two together.....Jason helped me get my conceal/carry permit and is buying me a gun I can carry all the time, in my purse. Jason has installed, not a security system, but a SEAL security system. We have "eyes" all over our property, including wooded areas.

Two days ago state police arrived at our home. Peter had called. We were sitting around a camp fire with all the pets, laughing. We thought they were coming because Peter is going to build a shooting range for the state police and SWAT snipers. As soon as the trooper apologetically told us, we turned to each other and laughed. Then we talked about the shooting range. Jason and I have a great relationship with the state police as I have worked with them for over 10 years and Jason being a retired Navy SEAL sniper...famous around here. In fact, they have been much more accommodating about my work because I bring Jason with me to my meetings. On the flip side, Warren has had too many negative interactions with the police so he was upset. Jason, in his usual amazing fatherly way, talked with Warren. Yesterday, Jason learned that Jo had called homeland security stating that Jason was crazy and should not be responsible for a shooting range. You know what he did? Laughed. 

Recently Warren made a plaque out of wood that reads "Home Sweet Home," he says because that's how he feels every time we come home. We laugh A LOT; we love all of our pets, I can't wait to get home from work to see my boys...Because of this last year, especially this summer, Jason's grandparents (who support us unconditionally, understand us and our decisions more than any member of his family) gave us money, for our pleasure, for Christmas. Jamaica here we come!!!!!!!!

This is a really good article:


Monday, February 9, 2015

Just Be You

To say life is different than Jason and I have ever known would be an incredible understatement. Neither of us thought we would know love and happiness like we know now.

Last weekend we were getting ready to spend the evening with neighbors. I asked Jason should I wear this shirt or this? I had been conditioned to wear, act and look exactly how Peter had wanted. It's hard to break habits. Jason responded, "Just be you." Wow, that statement....I will never forget. Just be me? That's all I have to do? You know what? I like me and I love how I am with Jason. We have not been ourselves with the incredibly insane jealousy, plotting, conspiring, dealing with two children sent to our home as suicide bombers (and they blew things up), who would be?

Now we are seeing each other with new eyes and intense loving feelings. We used to hold each other tightly all night to stop each other from twitching and nightmares due to PTSD from Jo, Peter and Jo's sons. [Watching American Sniper last night we found our situation not dissimilar: Chirs Kyle was in the most fatal danger off the battle field. Jason's worst enemy and most destructive force was Jo, not the over 250 life threatening operations]. Now we hold each other all night every night because it feels so good. It used to be hard to get out of bed because we were so heavy with all of the abnormal and unpredictable attacks; we still have trouble getting out of bed because it feels so safe, warm, tender, loving...just feels so perfectly right. 

Jason tells me I don't need to be perfect, I don't need to try and be a glamor women, he prefers less makeup so he can see me, not to control me, he asks me to just get old with him and not to worry about all the external. Just be me. He loves me, who I am right now and unconditionally. 

Friday, December 26, 2014

Feels so Good in this Fortress

  1. Personal boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify for themselves what are reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave around him or her and how they will respond when someone steps outside those limits.

    Holidays are warm and wonderful but can also make dysfunctional dynamics shine brighter and hotter.

    I am thankful we have found our boundaries, really we've built a fortress. It feels so good. We have willfully removed anyone causing stress in our lives from our castle and locked it down. Sure it can be uncomfortable and upsetting; nothing compared to taking control of our lives like this.

    Jo has 100% responsibility for her children; they have not been bonded to Jason since he announced he'd had enough and Jo started a war, forcing her children to bear the biggest scares. They are beyond the point of no return...Jason did everything possible and is at peace saying goodbye. 

    With no more Jo, Peter has no way of knowing anything. Good bye Peter.

    Good bye to anyone with ill intentions.

    It did get worse before it got better. Who knew Jo would wrap herself in evil and execute a plan which could only be derived from the depths of hell. 

    Behind the safety and security of these clearly defined stone walls my mind and soul are free again.

    Warren is in the back seat of our very manly truck laying on two of our three dogs. We have to get back home so father and son can go on an overnight camping/hunting trip....The temperature is dropping..... We'll need to get some groceries before we go home....I love the way Jason is rubbing my leg right now....we keep smiling at each other....wonder what I'll do while the boys are gone....

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

It's been a while....

Hands down, this past year was the worst and the best of times for both Jason and me. This summer was the worst in either of our lives....and that's why I've had to put pen and paper down for a while. I need to have a semi-peaceful life in order to open the painful doors to write my story. 

Jason's sons have become so violent he had to abate parental contact to protect Warren and me. Their acute violent behaviors are beyond our abilities and facilities. Peter of course sides with Jo stating, in writing, that I am targeting a teenage boy that is hurting his own son. Unbelievable once again. Police detectives would disagree and have. So much has happened I am breaking my book into two parts: "The Cobra (Sociopath): Part I" and "The Pit bull (Borderline): Part II." After this summer Jo has earned herself a book. I can't put everything in this blog, but every detail will be in the books. And as my cousin said after our literal knock down drag out, "nothing is my fault." And "my 'stories' are not believable." Oh no, I was, at times, a horrible person. I was pushed to the edge of sanity once again and triggered to nearly the point of no return. It was not pretty. I was not pretty. It was that bad. I will be writing all the raw and dark parts. I could not make up what happened this past summer. It was simply a nightmare. I'm so glad I'm awake now. Jason and I are breathing deeply once again and Warren...what a lovely young man. We love him so much.

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Criteria IV: Intense Fear Reaction by Children

Criteria IV: Intense Fear Reaction by Children
The fourth criteria necessary for the detection of PAS is admittedly more psychological than the first three. It refers to an obvious fear reaction on the part of the children, of displeasing or disagreeing with the potentially alienating parent in regard to the absent or potential target parent. Simply put, an alienating parent operates by the adage, "My way or the highway." If the children disobey this directive, especially in expressing positive approval of the absent parent, the consequences can be very serious. It is not uncommon for an alienating parent to reject the child(ren), often telling him or her that they should go live with the target parent. When this does occur one often sees that this threat is not carried out, yet it operates more as a message of constant warning. The child, in effect, is put into a position of being the alienating parent's "agent'' and is continually being put through various loyalty tests. The important issue here is that the alienating patent thus forces the child to choose parents. This, of course, is in direct opposition to a child's emotional well being.
In order to fully appreciate this scenario, one must realize that the PAS process operates in a "fear based" environment. It is the installation of fear by the alienating parent to the minor children that is the fuel by which this pattern is driven; this fear taps into what psychoanalysis tell us is the most basic emotion inherent in human nature--the fear of abandonment. Children under these conditions live in a state of chronic upset and threat of reprisal. When the child does dare to defy the alienating parent, they quickly learn that there is a serious price to pay. Consequently, children who live such lives develop an acute sense of vigilance over displeasing the alienating parent. The sensitized observer can see this in visitation plans that suddenly change for no apparent reason. For example, when the appointed time approaches, the child suddenly changes his or her tune and begins to loudly protest a visit that was not previously complained about. It is in these instances that a court, once suspecting PAS must enforce in strict terms the visitation schedule which otherwise would not have occurred or would have been ignored.
The alienating parent can most often be found posturing bewilderment regarding the sudden change in their child's feelings about the visit. In fact, the alienating parent often will appear to be the one supporting visitation. This scenario is a very common one in PAS families. It is standard because it encapsulates and exposes, if only for an instant, the fear-based core of the alienation process. Another way to express this concept would be that whenever the child is given any significant choice in the visitation, he or she is put in the position to act out a loyalty to the alienating parent's wishes by refusing to have the visitation at all with the absent parent. Failure to do so opens the door for that child's being abandoned by the parent with whom the child lives the vast majority of the time. Children, under these circumstances, will simply not opt on their own far a free choice. The court must thus act expeditiously to protect them and employ a host of specific and available remedies.(6)
As a consequence of the foregoing, these children learn to manipulate. Children often play one parent against the other in an effort to gain some advantage. In the case of PAS, the same dynamic operates at more desperate level. No longer manipulating to gain advantage, these children learn to manipulate just to survive. They become expert beyond their years at reading the emotional environment, telling partial truths, and then telling out-and-out lies. One must, however, remember that these are survival strategies that they were forced to learn in order to keep peace at home and avoid emotional attack by the residential parent. Given this understanding, it is perhaps easier to see why children, in an effort to cope with this situation, often find it easier if they begin to internalize the alienating parent's perceptions of the absent parent and begin to echo these feelings. This is one of the most compelling and dramatic effects of PAS, that is, hearing a child vilifying the absent parent and joining the alienating parent in such attacks. If one is not sensitive to the "fear-based" core at the heart of this, it is difficult not to take the child's protests at face value. This, of course, is compounded when the expert is also not sensitive to this powerful fear component, and believes that the child is voicing his or her own inner feelings in endorsing the "no visitation" plan.